Hedberg

No sé si os habeis metido alguna vez en Internet, pero a mi me encanta. La cantidad de cosas que se pueden sacar, chavales.

Mi último descubrimiento a través de la red es un cómico estadounidense llamado Mitch Hedberg. Me enteré de su existencia hace unos meses, cuando murió. Esto es bastante clásico y bastante triste -- gente que adquiere gran fama cuando muere. Al parecer se estaba convirtiendo ya en figura en Estados Unidos con apariciones en el programa de David Letterman, pero yo no había oído hablar de él hasta que falleció por (ejem) problemas cardiacos con 30 y pico años.

A través de Internet -- bajándome videos de programas yanquis -- he conocido a fondo a genios de esto del humor (mundo que me atrae molto) como Dave Chappelle, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Chris Rock and many others, pero este Mitch Hedberg es realmente algo especial. Bastante distinto a cualquier otro cómico que haya visto antes.

Para empezar, no hacía sketches. Y los monólogos no estaban estructurados. Simplemente era él contando pensamientos, cosas que se le habían ocurrido. Ninguna relación entre unas y otras. Además el tío despertaba cierta ternura. Esto suena bastante gay, pero si veis el especial que hizo en Comedy Central os daréis cuenta. Me recuerda mucho a Kurt Cobain. Por lo visto, a más gente también.

Aquí van varias perlas suyas:

- I used to do drugs. I still do drugs... But I used to, too.

- The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re fucking relentless.

- I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"... so it died.

- I find that duck's opinions of me are very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on a duck ever.

- I fuckin hate arrows, man. It's like, "fuck you, I'm not going that way .... line... with two thirds.. of a triangle at the end. Could you imagine being killed by a bow an arrow? That would suck, an arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Hey look at that dead guy.... let's go that way."

- When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes.

- I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.

- I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

- I wish I could play Little League now, I'd kick butt. I'd be way better than before. Good back-up now!

- You know, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "no?"

- I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

- What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know, we never give them a chance. What the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street. It's a way to open shit.

- I was at a bar once, and no one was talking to me 'cuz I just did a show, and I ran into a guy, and instead of saying "excuse me" he said "get the hell out of my way," so I said "Go to hell," and I ran away. He caught up to me, he had on a hat, a nose ring, an eybrow ring, a goatee, a tongue ring, and 3-earings. He said "Hey man, you have a lot of nerve," and then I said "Hey man, you have a lot of... cranial accessories.

- I got an ant farm. Them fellas don't grow shit. I said, "how about some celery? You fuckers don't farm, besides, if I ripped your legs off, you would look like snowmen."

- I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

- I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

- See, I write jokes for a living, man. I sit in my hotel at night and think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and write 'em down. Or, if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

- I thought my teeth were white, until I washed my face with Noxzema. They're not white, they're off-white. Hell, I'm not even white, I'm off-white. We're a new race, we will prevail!

- I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Es bueno o qué? Que alguien me regale DVDs de este tío, que seguro que los hay. OK? OK.

AGUR!